Freaking out, just a little

“No. I definitely am NOT going out tonight,” I tell Pancho. I hold my head in one hand alluding not to a hangover of any sort, although I probably deserve one, but rather to exhaustion. A long Friday night and a very busy Saturday usually mean, at least for me, a rather tame Saturday night.

Over drinks, Pancho looks at me with disappointment, cocking his head almost like dogs do when they hear weird noises.

“Awww. Why not?” He asks. Diego is judging me over the rim of the glass he holds. I can feel it.

“Because,” I say, “I was out super late last night and I don’t know if I’m going to last the whole night if I’m already this tired.”

Pancho folds his hands around his glass as if he were about to have a serious conversation with me.

“You only have six weeks left in Chile, and you’re not going out tonight?” His voice is cool and purposeful. He knows guilting me like this will get me to go to the club with them.

“I hate you,” I say, smiling, pouring myself a drink.


I never thought I would be a partier.
Never ever.

And friend, I’m very hesitant to say that I am. I would, however, without a doubt, say that I am a celebrater.

Whether it’s a birthday party, a going away party, a welcome party, a graduation party, or anything of the sort, I’m normally game to celebrate.

But now, with T-minus 6 weeks until I leave Chile, I feel like I need to celebrate my time here. I want to celebrate this almost-11 months that I’ve been here, the things I’ve done, the accomplishments I’ve had and the friendships I’ve made.

I don’t want to confuse all this with outrageous, uncontrolled partying. No. But I do feel that I have no legitimate reason to say “no” to anything at this point.

Calmly, I will tell you that I’m freaking out, friend. I really am. I received my first “goodbye drink” last weekend. WHAT?!

I’m not ready for that. I am in no way ready to say goodbye to anyone or anything, nor am I capable of doing so. Not now. And in 6 weeks, I’m not sure if I will be prepared or if I will be even more wrapped up in the emotions of leaving this place, this home, indefinitely.

And because of all of that, I feel like I have to max out for the next 6 weeks to be able to take in Santiago to the fullest extent. The new goal of Plan Do Work is to leave here with no regrets. Hard to do, but not impossible. I don’t ever want to look back at this year in Santiago and think, “I wish I would have…”

It was just over a year ago that I wrote to you in this blog telling you about my trip to Chile. It was kind of a goodbye letter to what I had known as home up until that point back in Washington and in California. So, I guess it is fitting that, at the same time during a year-long study abroad trip, that I should write the same type of letter to you but from the opposite angle.

Yes, that is what I should do. But I won’t. I can’t. It was easy for me to say goodbye to people back in the United States because I knew that I could count down the 365 days until I would see them again. But here in Chile, “365” is replaced with an X and I have no idea how to solve for that variable. It’s difficult pill to swallow, that one. Acknowledging that I really don’t know when I will come back to this place is hard. I will come back. But I don’t know when. Worst of all, I don’t know who will still be here.

It’s sad. It definitely is.

That’s why I want to make the most of my time here. See people, spend time with them. Do things. Go places. Drink drinks and eat food. My 6-week plan to “happiness(?)”

The Legend and I were talking a few weeks ago about this same topic and she told me that it’s important to keep things in perspective. (Always good advice). She said that it’s difficult for anyone to make serious friendships in a single year, especially in college, and especially abroad. This, said The Legend, is even truer for friendships between foreigners and people of the host country. She and I both agree that this isn’t always true and that there are plenty examples to prove us wrong. But, we both understand that, by no one’s fault, it is simply difficult to establish a meaningful relationship and maintain it across the equator.

I won’t say she’s wrong, but I will disagree to some extent. I realize, sadly, that many of the people here that I have met and that I consider friends will probably slip off my radar slowly over the years. But, I want them to know, and I want you to know, and I want to reinforce this idea for myself, that that in no way invalidates the experiences that I have had or am having with them right now; that every Chilean that I have met has had a deep, profound impact on me in innumerable ways. If I return in 10 years to Chile, and I don’t recognize you, I apologize, but please know that you in a unique and individual way have affected me in the best ways possible. And I thank you for that, weon. ;)

Now, to update you, friend, on the goings on of my life:


Currently, on the academic front, I have at least one project or essay to turn in, presentation to give or test to take every week until I leave. Not the most relaxing of schedules but it’s keeping on my toes and making sure I actually go to class during my last month-and-a-half. I’m progressing nicely this semester in my classes, but I’m not going to lie and tell you that it’s easy to go to class and concentrate at the current moment. Motivation is definitely lacking.

I also recently bought a travel mug, primarily for coffee, so that I can keep warm in classrooms without heating (I’m currently planning on plummeting temperatures when winter really hits Santiago) and also for the caffeine boost which will inevitably be a bonus at the end of this semester. Sidebar: the first real rain of the year brought some snow to the tip-tops of the Andes bringing life back to them, ironically. I missed seeing snow on their ridges.

I ran a 5K road race put on by the school’s engineering program the other day. It was sponsored by New Balance which meant awesome gear for prizes. I won which was awesome. Even more awesome was the box of granola bars (now almost empty) that they gave me as part of my prize.

Oh, and I also got the chance to catch up with Pancho, Antonia and Sassy Javiera from Añihue last week. It was great to see them again, especially off the reserve. We met under strange circumstances though. Javier and I planned on going to Antonia’s parents’ house where the two were staying with their daughter Olivia while they visited the city. However when we got there, they were headed out the door to the hospital to see about the baby. Antonia at the time was in her 41st week and a sudden lack of movement from the baby had her worried. So outside a hospital waiting room Javiera, Pancho and I talked while Antonia found out that everything was alright. I just got news that Martín Pescador was born on May 17th.