And I thought about that, for just a second. I thought…no, not really, it’s in 11 days and I’m scared shitless.
But I thought harder for a second longer and in a rare instance of me agreeing with strangers and giving them credit, I understood that they were right. They didn’t know the truth they were saying, but I’ll give them some sort of approval.
You see, when something is “right around the corner,” you instantly know two things. One, you’re on a journey of some sort; you’re moving and thus you’re able to be around the corner at some point in the future. Two, you can’t see what it is that is around the corner.
Graduation is this big idea; it’s this overwhelming event and process and experience that culminates four years of study and training. It represents those four years. Most of me loves that. Part me thinks it’s not enough.
Like, really? I walk down a row of chairs, shake the university president’s hand and walk off. I pose for some pictures, go home and get drunk with friends. When you strip it down to that level, it in all honesty sounds like an average weekend.
That thought came out through a terribly pessimistic filter, but it was an honest filter.
Aren’t four years worth more than a ceremony? Shouldn’t the hours of keystrokes and pencil marks and late nights and early mornings and cross country trips and published articles and jobs and volunteer work and classes and tests count for more?
I feel like part of my “problem” (Quote marks added for subjectivity and for the realization of my privilege) is that I don’t have any plans for after graduation. I think that if I had an idea of what I’d be doing and where I’d be living, I could get excited about the next chapter of my life. Not knowing, however, is creating this gargantuan black hole of uncertainty into which all my happy emotions are draining.
I’m hopeful that I’ll get things figured out; but until that point, I’m doubting the worth of a bachelor’s degree in a world that generally, and closetly, despises college students while requiring that people have a college education.
I don’t know. I guess that’s the bottom line. After four years of a college education I’m saying “I don’t know.” I’m not sure if that’s a testament to a failing higher education system or an indicator of me actually being smart enough to admit when I don’t know something.
What I do know, though, is how completely worthless it feels to get rejected from entry-level jobs even with “BA Degree” on my resume. I guess I know now, in some way, how some 8.8 percent of Americans feel. Jobless.
Awesome.
Maybe not.
I know I sound terribly bitter. Probably because I am. But somewhere in my heart of coal, I know graduation will evolve into a good thing for me. It has to.
I might just cry if it doesn’t.
And I hate crying almost as much as I hate not having a plan.
Here’s to you, Humboldt State. And to hoping that my next post is much more upbeat than this one.
Angus & Julia Stone - Big Jet Plane music video from The Silentlights on Vimeo.
